Week 4..? Change in format and the beautiful outdoors.

If you saw my last post about Natureday, you may have noticed I started marking my images with dates instead of weeks.

Here are the 8fit exercises I have done.

The free exercises for beginners have begun looping and I get bored with repetition so I have upgraded my program to the intermediate level. I CAN DO THIS, I WAS AN ATHLETE!!

I also attempted the last routine outdoors. My clothes seem to make my asymmetry more obvious. Now I am aiming for a stronger core to support my imbalance rather than mainly correction.

Picture for this week.

Week 1: Nature Day Breast Enhancement Liquid (NSFW)

Disclosure: This review is sponsored by Nature, Inc. All opinions are my own.

Ever since I started using breast pumps, I was able to increase my bust size from 30B/32A to 30C/32B.

However, I feel like I have since plateaued.

Thankfully, Nature Inc offered to help me out with their “Express Plan”.

Fulfillment, as it’s called, is a dropper supplement that lasts 3 weeks.

First impressions of its flavour is that it’s very herbal tasting, after all it is 5 kinds of herbs that boost breast growth.

I tried it with juices twice and chocolate malt once, neither hides its strong flavour.

It also makes me heaty, as they say here in the traditional Chinese medicine. I have a tendency to get a sore throat upon ingesting the liquid. 

Over time you’ll see me fluctuate between 32″ and 33″ in the bust line.

Overall, I am hoping that my bust size gets past 33″ and beyond without risking invasive and expensive surgeries.

Week 3: Scoliosis Rehabilitation with 8fit

Sorry for the delay, I really need to get myself disciplined to posting. I’ve finally added weekly photos to my calendar and hopefully it will help me record progress on time.

After seeing Michelle Khare on YouTube give 8fit a go, I decided to try it out to strengthen myself overall. Here’s two programmes I have completed.

And… My Week 3 photo.

See you in Week 4.

Week 2: Scoliosis Rehabilitation

Been busy with work but here’s what I did for the week.

I did some twists and side bends with a broomstick to loosen up my uneven core, about 30 seconds per exercises.

Source: https://www.dreamstime.com/stock-illustration-exercising-turns-torso-barbell-bodybuilding-target-muscles-marked-red-initial-final-steps-image43722959

Source: http://health-weekly.net/effective-exercises-for-a-bullet-proof-core/392/16/
And finally, a week 2 photo.

I didn’t expect much change this week but hopefully by week 6 we’ll see an improvement.

Relationship with Body: Complicated

I just had to shave myself for work after a long time of growing it out.

It makes me upset but I guess this is the thing that “femme passing” models have to do to keep the lights on.

I honestly don’t know where I stand at the moment and there’s a fear of being judged by others as I fluctuate between thoughts and feelings I have about myself and my body.

Did I mention that I once wanted top surgery and pectoral muscle implants? That was a ride. Also, I don’t feel like inducing autoimmune diseases via foreign cosmetic implant.

Another point of time, after looking at an edited image of Grace Neutral, I had interest in nipple amputation but there’s probably no legal way to do it under anesthesia. Unless a top surgery doctor is willing to do it.

I think my feelings about my nipples is complex. I feel like I hate how nipples are sexualized by the public, especially when attached to breasts and/or femme bodies.

I don’t feel like I need a dick but my labia is huge already.

I guess what I do with my body is a story for another time…

Self-treating Scoliosis: Week 1

It’s been a while since I abandoned my last attempt to treat my posture. This time I did a bit more research and I have a better game plan.

Here’s my starting point. Not terrible but I am getting older and things are starting to hurt again.

Some of the things I plan to work on my asymmetry include exercises and treatments inspired by the Schroth Method.

Source: https://www.slideshare.net/mobile/nikoskaravidas/corrective-exercises-in-the-treatment-of-scoliosis-54605043

I was also considering making a half bust corset based on traditional orthopaedic corsets as well as Antiseptic Fashion‘s half overbust half underbust.

Source: https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/gensingen-brace-schroth-method-treatment-adolescent-from-karavidas

Source: http://www.modelmayhem.com/antisepticfashion

The last thing I may or may not implement is shoe lifts to balance my leg length.

Source: http://www.bluemaize.net/leggings/shoe-lifts-for-uneven-legs

I am looking forward to improving my posture in the coming months using the above methods. I will do my best to share my progress.

The Struggle with My Face and Body

I have been been modelling since 2012.

That feels like ages ago.

I started with practically zero confidence.

At around 14 years old, I went to an online forum for models and was told that I was too short to be a model.

At 16 years old, I got my septum pierced a long while after discovering Suicide Girls during their guest appearance on CSI:NY.

At nearly 18 years old, I got my first tattoo, it was the First Fig by Edna St Vincent Millay because Roald Dahl used it as his life motto.

I spent most of my teenagehood admiring Marilyn Monroe and spent a lot time blogging about how I wanted to be exactly like her; all in her 5’5″, D-cup, blonde glory.

I wanted to bleach my hair and curl it.

I wanted breast implants.

I wanted leg lengthening surgery.

I wanted to waist train.

Frankly, I wanted to be white passing at the time as well.

Even after discovering that alternative models did not necessarily have to be above 5’5″ (the height standard in Asia) or have umpteen tattoos and piercings, when I finally had my photographs taken, my body image troubles had not ended there.

I am 5’2″ on a good day (I have mild scoliosis) with a 32-28-37 body. That doesn’t seem too bad to the layman but I appear like an oompa-loompa to agencies in Asia. Even if I was 5’5″, my bust-waist-hip ratio is considered too fat.

While Western modelling agencies require at least a 5’9″ tall and 34-24-34 body, Asian ones want at least a 5’5″ tall and an even smaller body at 32-22-32.

We have talked about my body, now let’s get to my face. I have a very high forehead, a large nose from my paternal grandfather, small lips, plump jowls and very thin 1A hair, both from mum. Western ideals for female faces include a smaller forehead, hooded eyes with a clear crease, a button nose, high cheekbones, very plump lips and dense hair with the help of extensions or a lace front wig. Asian ideals for female faces also want smaller foreheads then diverge in the sense that the lips are plump but smaller and rounder, noses are small and sharp, jaws are sharp with a slim jaw and their hair has wavy extensions attached.

I have always identified as a woman and I was assigned female at birth but I still have to deal with a lot of misgendering and questions. It took me a while to realize that makeup and hair can only do so much. 
Additionally, due to my ruler figure and shallow bust, I feel like a crossdresser, with or without a cinched waist and breast fillets.
For a while, I say that I am gender non-conforming, after admiring the work of gender capitalist and high fashion model, Rain Dove. Now here comes the other issue, I do not look masculine enough to pass as male either. Once again, I try packing, heel lifts, shoulder pads and I look more like a young effeminate boy.

I came to the realization that my relationship with gender, femininity and masculinity is very cold? I feel like the real me is neither of these things. I understand that presentation and internal feelings are different. My status is now questioning.

To conclude my first blog post in a long time, people don’t like me because I don’t fit the mold. At the same time, I don’t feel like I can fit said molds. One of these days I might figure this out.

Just don’t assume I am very confident in myself, in reality, I am always at war with my own thoughts and looks.