The Struggle with My Face and Body

I have been been modelling since 2012.

That feels like ages ago.

I started with practically zero confidence.

At around 14 years old, I went to an online forum for models and was told that I was too short to be a model.

At 16 years old, I got my septum pierced a long while after discovering Suicide Girls during their guest appearance on CSI:NY.

At nearly 18 years old, I got my first tattoo, it was the First Fig by Edna St Vincent Millay because Roald Dahl used it as his life motto.

I spent most of my teenagehood admiring Marilyn Monroe and spent a lot time blogging about how I wanted to be exactly like her; all in her 5’5″, D-cup, blonde glory.

I wanted to bleach my hair and curl it.

I wanted breast implants.

I wanted leg lengthening surgery.

I wanted to waist train.

Frankly, I wanted to be white passing at the time as well.

Even after discovering that alternative models did not necessarily have to be above 5’5″ (the height standard in Asia) or have umpteen tattoos and piercings, when I finally had my photographs taken, my body image troubles had not ended there.

I am 5’2″ on a good day (I have mild scoliosis) with a 32-28-37 body. That doesn’t seem too bad to the layman but I appear like an oompa-loompa to agencies in Asia. Even if I was 5’5″, my bust-waist-hip ratio is considered too fat.

While Western modelling agencies require at least a 5’9″ tall and 34-24-34 body, Asian ones want at least a 5’5″ tall and an even smaller body at 32-22-32.

We have talked about my body, now let’s get to my face. I have always identified as a woman and I was assigned female at birth but I still have to deal with a lot of misgendering and questions. It took me a while to realize that makeup and hair can only do so much. Due to my ruler figure and shallow bust, I feel like a crossdresser, with or without a cinched waist and breast fillets.

For a while, I say that I am gender non-conforming, after admiring the work of gender capitalist and high fashion model, Rain Dove. Now here comes the other issue, I do not look masculine enough to pass as male either. Once again, I try packing, heel lifts, shoulder pads and I look more like a young effeminate boy.

I came to the realization that my relationship with gender, femininity and masculinity is very cold? I feel like the real me is neither of these things. I understand that presentation and internal feelings are different. My status is now questioning.

To conclude my first blog post in a long time, people don’t like me because I don’t fit the mold. At the same time, I don’t feel like I can fit said molds. One of these days I might figure this out.

Just don’t assume I am very confident in myself, in reality, I am always at war with my own thoughts and looks.

Character Popularity Survey

Please take this survey to help me figure out who to cosplay next! https://www.surveymonkey.com/r/H6LYL59
Below are links to each character references in case you need them.
Anime
Rei Ayanami – Evangelion
Homura – Puella Magica
Rin Hoshizora – Love Live
Haruhi Suzumiya – Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya
Envy – Fullmetal Alchemist
Maka Albarn – Soul Eater
Konata Izumi – Lucky Star
Mumei – Kabaneri of the Iron Fortress
Nagisa Shiota – Assassination Classroom
Ebisu Kofuku – Noragami
Chiyo Sakura – Gekkan Shoujo Nozaki-kun
Ranka Lee – Macross Frontier
Taiga Aisaka – Toradora
Movies
Boba Fett – Star Wars
Furiosa – Mad Max
Amber – Sucker Punch
Lilah – Jonah Hex
Katana – Suicide Squad
Rey – Star Wars
Katniss Everdeen – Hunger Games
Silk Spectre – Watchmen
Erin Gilbert – Ghostbusters
Black Widow – Captain America: Civil War
Wonder Woman – Batman v Superman
Games
Princess Peach – Mario
Pikachu – Pokemon

Soul Survivor – Fallout 4

Comics
Deadpool

Supergirl – Ame-Comi
Wonder Woman – Ame-Comi
Spidergirl – Marvel
Arachne – Marvel
TV

Catwoman – Batman 1960s
Sabine Wren – Star Wars
Abby – NCIS

#solidaritywithstoya

Thank you for writing this. I am thankful to say that I have never been raped. However, having experienced emotional abuse in a relationship and then being molested on a different date after, sometimes I get told “see I told you not to date that guy” or “why the heck are you in a stranger’s house” so on and so forth.

Society has brought up people to blame the victim, before anything else. This is rape culture, even if rape never happened.

Rape victims don’t always have the opportunity to “go straight to the police”. Some may be shaken by the incident, held captive, drugged, etc hell, there are reports of rapists who even use condoms, so no DNA is left, maybe cuts, bruises at most, though we know in real life (not like on TV) bruising doesn’t always appear.

There needs to be a change in laws all over the world and the mindset of our selfish culture of people.

Roswell Ivory

After Paris, I didn’t expect to be posting another serious blog so soon, but I can’t not talk about the recent shock so many of us have had regarding Stoya and James Deen.
For those not in the know; on Saturday, porn star and writer Stoya accused her ex-boyfriend and fellow porn star James Deen of rape in this Twitter status:
“James Deen held me down and fucked me while I said no, stop, used my safeword. I just can’t nod and smile when people bring him up anymore.”
There’s a lot I want to cover here but firstly, her profession is irrelevant to this matter. No means no- end of story. Moving on…

Stoya’s twitter status has sparked a wave of solidarity and support from people all over the world- including James Deen’s ex Joanna Angel and two other porn stars who claim he assaulted them too.
Others…

View original post 1,470 more words

Point-and-Creep: ‘Fran Bow’ Chapter 2 Is Frightfully Suspenseful

FemHype

Fran Bow

[Part 1] [Part 2]

[Trigger warning: Body horror, death, and murder. The entire game involves gory hallucinations. Or are they?]

The second part of Fran Bow Chapter 2 got me thinking even more about the parallels between universes. When Fran wakes up lying down in a basket wearing a bonnet, she finds herself in an unknown kitchen with a note from a certain Clara and Mia. My Monkey Island instincts got me picking up on any and every clickable item in each room of the house, though I somehow managed to miss one or two items again.

The house was decorated with photos and decorative portraits, and it appeared that there were a pair of conjoined twins living there. Upon investigation, they weren’t always conjoined. The house seemed quite lovely and pleasant at first glance with pink and blue floral wallpaper, colorful desserts on display … but that’s where…

View original post 926 more words

Point-and-Creep: ‘Fran Bow’ Is Delightfully Gory

My first article for FemHype!

FemHype

FranBow

[Trigger warning: Sexual abuse, cutting, suicidal tendencies, rape, and pedophilia. The entire game involves gory hallucinations. Or are they?]

I backed Fran Bow two years ago after seeing a few YouTubers tackle the Alpha Demo. It has been officially released a few days ago, and I am playing it to observe the game from a few angles, as both a feminist as well as someone with a mental illness. Additionally, some other matters may be brought up along the way, depending on what developer and artist Natalia Figueroa decides to throw at us through this quaint point-and-click adventure horror game.

Are you ready? Be warned: SPOILERS ahead!

Chapter 1 shows our protagonist being sent to a children’s asylum after witnessing the morbid murder of her parents. When she initially ran away from the gory scene of the crime with her cat, Mr. Midnight, only to collapse in a forest…

View original post 812 more words

Casual + Budget Vintage Figure Ideas

I know some of you can’t afford a proper corset or just want a few days off at a time like myself.

One way you could create a gentle nipped waist silhouette is by pairing longline bras and high waisted panties.

ASOS leopard print lingerie set.

ASOS leopard print lingerie set.

30B and UK10.

30B and UK10.

Pictured here is my ASOS leopard print longline bra and high waisted panty. The longline contains the muffin top from the panty.

I highly suggest looking for “high waisted knickers” and “high waisted panties” on places like ASOS and old Marks & Spencer stock on eBay UK.

You can also get those $0.99 ones off China shops but be warned that they’re usually high in polyester content so if you’re prone to yeast infections, they aren’t that great an idea, though you could always double up and wear a regular cotton panty underneath the cheap poly ones.

Pictured with a cinch clip

Pictured with a cinch clip

With an elastic belt

With an elastic belt

As you can tell, it isn’t super duper curvy but it’s way comfier than a rusty tubey knock-off or itchy faja.

If you like to sew, you can look up images of traditional shapewear knickers and girdles to create something form-fitting and comfy.

This particular undies isn’t that cinchy as it’s a gentle mesh fabric but I will try to obtain images of my other high waist panties in the future!

2014 in review

The WordPress.com stats helper monkeys prepared a 2014 annual report for this blog.

Here’s an excerpt:

The concert hall at the Sydney Opera House holds 2,700 people. This blog was viewed about 24,000 times in 2014. If it were a concert at Sydney Opera House, it would take about 9 sold-out performances for that many people to see it.

Click here to see the complete report.